On my website the other week, I commented about an art project I was doing with Brian Channer of Odd Zebra and NuBriton. We met again this week at our mutual place of work and sat conversing with the young ladies in the hostel. He read us a wonderful poem that he had written as the result of a sculpture either he or someone on one of his projects had done. It was about three ladies: one who wore a polka dotted dress, a wise lady in blue and a third in red. They each characterised different aspects of womanhood- I forget the intimate details but the poem was wonderful. I love listening to good verse and appreciate how poetry is the dance of language. I love being stirred and moved by words. As I was sat on the train yesterday I got to thinking about this wonderful poem I wrote this as a reaction: 

His Poem

I would love to write verse that made the soil turn
And have roots protrude from concealed seeds
Instead 
All I can do is listen, be mesmerised by words that caress into submission
Words that turn the heart of a polka dotted girl.
Who was she who lay horizontal in the reeds
Behind a purple setting sun and a jet blue sea?
Who was she who rose wise and empowered
Swaying with her nation? 
Loved at last from the inside out;
Birthed again from a thousand splendid whispers
We are told he was softly spoken, sober yet drunk with the knowings of herstory
The lady in red glows again
Another song rises from the lady in blue 
I sit with the polka dotted girl  
And sprouts blossom
From tear drops in the soil.
We are all something different from his words.

Confusion is in my Brain, Confusion: It’s got to be a Love game.

During the book launch two weeks ago, I spoke about how one of the reasons the book is important is because it helps parents build up confidence and self worth in their children. And I stick by that wholeheartedly.

It’s hard enough being a teenager, but when you throw low self esteem and love into the mix, it just complicates matters.

Here are  two characters- one Adult and one Teenager. They are having a conversation at a bus stop.

-He doesn’t know what love is, but I can show him. I need him and want him so badly.

             
But what about your Higher Self? What does She want?

-I dunno, I dunno. I just need him.

If you loved yourself and were sorted do you think you would want him?

-No.

Well why do want him now?

-Well am not sorted am I?

The night before the Book Launch

It's almost 1am, and really I should be sleeping, but of course I can't.
The first launch of Top Tips for Raising Today's Teens is taking place tomorrow. How do I feel? Well, tired to be honest. I have spent the week feeling nervous, excited, scared and wanting to call the whole thing off!

I have done the promoting, the printing, the checking in with the host, the guest poet, friends and colleagues.  There is a box of books on the living room floor. There's leaflets, paperwork, paper saucers and plastic cups: Fruit juice and paraphanelia. It's all there. Ready to go.

Earlier I purchased a cardigan to match my skirt- so at least I won't be wearing black. I got my hair redone, have had a glass full of vegetable juice, have prayed, meditated and visualised. Am hoping a sleep from about 1.30 until 9 will be fine. I have instructed the boys not to stay up too late, as imagine the three of us turning up looking totally busted. Not good.

There is little more I can do except hope the gods are on my side. I love the book and although I haven't rehearsed what I'm going to say, I  am fine about that,  as all I need to do is be honest. It will be organic. :)

The ones who are meant to be there will be there. And the ones that aren't won't, it's that simple.There is nothing more that I can do right now. Except sleep.

21/12/12

We made it. And I must say I am pleased.
I did plan to see the sunrise at 8.04. Perched on the edge of a damp bench, around the corner in Blackheath Park, taking in the first of the cosmic rays. As it was, I was totally oblivious to the sound of the alarm and opened my eyes when it was clearly too late.

I dragged on the same black leggings, eased into my torn grey boots and that grey jumper again and 9am saw me jogging down the back path, up the hill and then left towards the park.
I haven't looked at the sun so directly for ages. I tend to forget in my comings and goings. Today I am pleased to smile at the morning.  Smile at the possibilities ahead. I lean on the back of a bench facing east and, before the mayhem of Christmas and the work of promoting my book begins, appreciate the dawn of this day.

It has been well over a week since the initial excitement of the book. I recieved a couple more copies so was able to give one away and put one on the book shelf. That wave of excitement did come back to me, I have to say. When  I saw the spine of my book tucked there, neatly between I play the drums in a band called okay, by Toby Litt and Numerlogy, by Harish Johari.  Numerology makes me think of an old friend, Reggie. We used to have long conversations about life, spirituality, poetry. He bought a tiger's eye necklace from me once. When I said 'no' to a relationship with him he gave me such a harsh cursing. He was so mean.

Top Tips for Raising Today's Teens

It's done diary. The book is here! I waited a few days before I submitted a post as it would of been a complete gush!! The book came on Friday 30th November, a date that will be imprinted in my brain.
I had already begun my weekly trek across London, when my son sent me a WhatsApp message.
"It's here mum," he said. "I'm sorry I opened it, but I knew what it was!" And a picture of my first book! I jumped up and down in Charing Cross Station and if I could, I would have turned back and gone home so I could see it now. For myself.
Instead I bought a flower covered journal from Funky Pigeon and a few minutes later sat on the tube and wrote thanks to Mother Father Universe, Jesus, the Divine ones. My ancestors, my parents, my sons and everyone who contributed to the book's creation.
I had begun to feel my molecules changing from several days ago. When AuthorHouse first informed me the book was on Amazon I skipped and jumped between my sons: Both of them, taller than me  looking down on their excited mum.

Top Tips for Raising Today's Teens

I am close to my first book being published and I am tremendously excited!! Part of me feels like I am no longer going to have time to write, what with all the marketing and promoting I need to do, but that is part and parcel of being self published I suppose. I went with AUTHORHOUSE who assure me the book will be ready to buy on line from the 7th December! But what I can't wait for is to get my complimentary copies through the post and in my hand! I think my molecules will change when I finally fulfil such a long awaited desire.

The Verge

It's that piece of ground in between. Where you stand back and view the clogged and winding path of which you've just emerged. With just enough room to swing your arms around, skirt flaring, a flower in your mouth.The weight has left your shoulder.
One hand holds the summer hat it was inappropriate to wear until now. Pink dust catches it's way up your legs and you like it.
The verge is where a flower is milliseconds away from bursting into form, or closed leaves gently carve joint heads above soil.  It's the place where a wish is about to be granted. Even greater when its one you loved enough to give yourself. The skirt twirls some more.

It dazzles in the distance. In front there are leaves of orange, deep red and lime green scattered along a path. Your dream is right there, in this moment. You've battled self-doubt, fall outs, conversations, the schools, the colleges, the teachers. The doing without, the inspiration, the clarity, the making up, the Higher Self, the meditation, the manifestation. There's a contended sound of water that you know is translucent though you have yet to see it. The bird's song is to welcome you home.

I didn't know I would have a dance off in my head when this was done. I've had a great career, but I haven't ever achieved a thirty year old ambition.   As a young child I wanted to be an astronaut, then an archaeologist, then a doctor. Then I met Enid Blyton -and still wanted to be those things, but now I wanted to write books. For a short while I ambitioned as a secretary (that lasted for about two weeks!) But there was always the books. Once I left home it was a psychologist, a writer or a College Lecturer. I became a College Lecturer.

And that's why the verge is such a delightful place- because am on it, about to fulfil an ambition I have held since way back when. It's not the short stories or the novels yet, but I have always been a commentator and an observer even while being a teacher. And even if I have left teaching as a nine to five, through  this book not only am I teaching, but I also get to formalise what my students and other young people say about their lives and what works for them. It's my way of acknowledging and taking on board what they say. Because we do think they are valuable and worthy and lovely. My book is a way to show them that. 

I self-published because I wanted it out there asap. It's been a year since the idea changed from being a packet of information cards to a book, and as such, Top Tips for Raising Today's Teens will be my first book- and clearly I am excited!!

There is more work to do of course: Get the front cover complete, structure the courses that are attached to the book and once I get a cover I like it will be about letting schools, parents and organisations aware of its imminent release.

But for now I am happy to stand in the verge, twirling my skirt and eating flowers!

Empress

Of course I love walking around Africa and being hailed as Empress, Princess and Goddess. It does wonders for the self esteem and of course I felt at home amoungst those words, who wouldn't? I was on my own in Ghana and subject to the nuances of the people and that was fine, and I totally get that one of the characteristics of these countrymen is that once they take a shine to you, you almost have to prize yourself away. Speaking of a person I had a drink with the previous night my new friend Rasta said: "Once he sees you with me he will leave you alone." -Yea, thanks Rasta.

The nuances of Language

I love the fact that language is pragmatic. That I can say “gosh, is the window open?” and the person would know that I’m cold and offer to close it.  Or the fact that when you want to end a conversation, especially with a stranger- you can say, “Nice talking to you, see you around,” and we both know to say our goodbyes.  

Sometimes I think it’s the people who read a lot are the ones who understand the nuances of language. Or maybe just those with common sense. Or perhaps it’s the fact that we have been raised in the stiff upper lip culture of not saying what we really mean that makes us so adept at distorting and playing around with meaning.

Touch Down- Ghana 2012

Wednesday 28th March 2012

Following a great first visit in 2010, I decided I was coming back to Ghana! That was six weeks ago. Now, here I am at the airport, wheelie sack and mini sack in tow. The path ahead is lined with Ghanaians holding up signs with various names: John, Emily, Mr Watson... I look for my name- or the name of the Guest House that said they would collect me. It's air conditioned in here, so all is well so far. I squint my eyes and look across the row of names. No ‘Martha.’ No ‘Big Millie’s Back Yard.’ I open my eyes wider, still No Martha on a paper sign being held up by smiling hands. Nothing

OK, plan B-Bun Big frigging Millie. I would go to the place I originally planned to stay. Yes. That’s what I would do. I move towards the exit but before I get to the doors I’m approached by big blue trousers and a white shirt.

Do you need a cab? I look at him. It looks like a uniform. He has an ID tag hanging round his neck.

-Yes I tell him, I do.

OK, let me help you. I let him take the heavier ruck sack and am left with the smaller one and my handbag which is  across my body.

-Do you know Aplaku Guest House?
 No, you have the address?

-Err. No. The internet. I’ll go get it from the internet.

Pain and Struggle

Alas, I still have a day job. And it is what I will do until that blessed day when writing can pay my bills.

So there I was in my day job, just yesterday. In a secondary school in London supporting students with their Literacy and Personal development.
 For this particular session a rap artist was invited in as part of a music project. I forget his name, but he really was rather good! Said he recognised me from Battersea, as he was raised there, as was I. So there he was doing his conscious rap thing and the students were indeed inspired and engaged.

As one door closes, the fridge door opens

It really didn't dawn on me- the real reason my figure has remained as is for the last twenty years. I thought it was just my good fortune that while all about me were starting to look their age, I have stayed slim, quite slim and extremely slim!
A lady I used to teach some ten years ago was in my house the other day- after us bumping into each other after almost four years. "I've never forgotten you," she said. I smile. Nor I her. She was part of my best teaching group ever. After her class, teaching just went down hill for me. I have never forgotten any one of that class and am glad to say I am still in touch with a few of them.
        "I wondered what you look like now," she continued. "If you'd put on wieght."
        "Oh no," I say. "This is me." And I admire myself in a way I only do when my clothes are on.

The Lawrences

All I can do is send love and light to the family of Stephen Lawrence. I am  overwhelmed with compassion when I see them  speaking on TV.  Especially with  Mr  Lawrence. He is so softly spoken. He's so composed  and hurt and humble.

I received an email that said 96 boys have been murdered since Steven. I hope it isn't true. Then imagine another eighteen years of fighting for justice on top of that.  It's a long time. I have a child of  seventeen.  There's a generation of boys who have been raised with a backdrop of Steven Lawrence conversations. We would tell our sons, "be careful," while  warning that there'd be noone to pay if they weren't.

A day without roll-ups

Today has been the first time in a long time I have deliberately not brought tobacco!! A whole complete day! I did have a few yearnings and must say I was on the brink of going to the shop, especially when my friend was going on about something to smoke. On the verge I was! Then I thought, "no, that's your craving not mine. Am gonna stay with myself and see what I come up with." And that's what I did. 2nd January and no Amber Leaf roll ups! Who woulda thought!

I'd love to see what my skin would look like with no tobacco. I would love to see how far I could run, how far I could swim! And if the world is coming to an end and there's gonna be all this mad apocalypse stuff, a girl needs lung capacity.  I'm not saying I've stopped, as I haven't. But I'm most certainly going to cut down and begin with more of a balance between tobacco days , and non tobacco days like I used to. The days when I didn't have to be sucking on cigarette paper in order to get through the day.  Well I'm going to see if I can revert to some of that!! Just to see what it feels like.

Another year

Happy New Year to all of us. I hope this is a year of love health and prosperity:For our dreams to come true in all areas of our lives.
2011 was a good year for me. I have been happier than in a long while and accredit that feeling to the laying down of old baggage and stepping into my Higher Self - a much better place to live ones life!

Each year suggests a new start for me, but this year is not about new beginnings. I am not going to start any new projects until I experience successful completion of the ones before!!

2012 is about seeing what I can complete out of a firm belief in my abilities.

In terms of my writing, there is a non fiction work that I started more than a few years ago. It has been revitalised and is now going to come out in the form of a book. The first month of this year is dedicated to COMPLETING that and self publishing in early spring.

As is evident by the amount of posts I put up last year, I should not make any promises about the amount of blogging I will do this year, suffice to say I now have consistent internet in my home- so we shall see! I will send off a piece of creative non fiction somewhere!!

I aim to see the end of 2012 with a wide grin, pleased and happy with my achievements of the year- then I may be ready to start something new. I have twelve months to play with, as do we all. So happy playing in 2012!! And good luck to all of us :-)

I don't do Christmas

What exactly does it mean when you don't do Christmas? That's what the man at the check out at Tescos asked me when i gave him that tert reply after doing just a regular shop on Christmas Eve."It means I don't buy into the hype." I said. "Ohh,"  He looked at me the same way I imagine married people look at single people at weddings.
As I walked up the hill towards home, pleased with my shop thank you,  I tried to remember exactly why I usually back out of  Christmas. The most obvious thing I could think of was all the hype which I find so annoyig. "Spend, spend, spend before your cash runs out." "Spend, spend, spend- even when your cash runs out and get into nice fat debt, debt, debt." And the fact that they don't even mention Jesus anymore. But hark a counter thought: 1) Who are they? and 2) Jesus wasn't born on Dec 25th anyway. We know this.

I  have the wonderful task of buying for books for a local youth hostel! I have a small budget so it is with sheer delightful I meander around the musty crammed shelves of second hand book shops as I hunt for treasures. plus there's that £2 book shop in Greenwich that have some wonderful, brand new books for a fraction of the cost. Wonderful. I purchased;
Dreams and what they mean
Everything you need to know about Spells and Charms
A long way gone; memoirs of a boy soldier
Waiting to Exhale (I know, I know- but hey!!)
Numerology
A Long Way Down
I know  why the caged bird sings- an old classic,
                                          Maniac &          
                                          The coldest winter ever. 
Not bad for a mere £35! I'm pretty darn pleased with myself. I toyed with the idea of keeping Spells and Charms- but I've  a similar one already, and have been gently opening the pages of A Long way gone; reading the exploits of  a boy soldier in Sierri Leonne at the outbreak of war. It's brilliant so far, and has to go on my own reading list.
This is how I love to spend my days. Books and paper and reading and words. Wonderful!

Poet

Last week I found an old poem that an ex-student had written. It was about an angry, educated kid, whose head was caught between street and smart. I must have said I liked to write, so this guy, James, bought some of his writing to show me.It was all this rhyming, effortless, angry poetry from this young guy. It was so good.

          I showed the poem to my sixteen year old son. "Mm,mm, that's not bad, still," he said nodding, as it did sound current, even over ten years later- (which is a shame really, as it means young people are still faced with the same issues and problems.)
We spoke about those days for a while, my son and I. The days when he was four and five and I used to drive him to his nice, private school before I went on to work. Those were the days when I had money- the days before I wanted to write full time!

10 Ways To...

Can I quickly say before this gets read- I know I have not posted for a while, most of my stuff has stayed in 'draft' mode, but I swear- it is not because I have been practising these techniques!!)

Ten Ways to Create a Delinquent
1. Be sure not to show your son or daughter any affection.This will leave them unable to do so in later life.

2. Remind them on a regular basis just how usless they are.

3. Pit siblings against each other. Always take the side of your 'other', your 'favourite' child. If there are no siblings available, cousins and other youngsters will suffice.

4  Isolate the other parent and when your child asks for him or her say in as mean a voice as possible,  "S/he is not interested in you." Then walk off.