21/12/12

We made it. And I must say I am pleased.
I did plan to see the sunrise at 8.04. Perched on the edge of a damp bench, around the corner in Blackheath Park, taking in the first of the cosmic rays. As it was, I was totally oblivious to the sound of the alarm and opened my eyes when it was clearly too late.

I dragged on the same black leggings, eased into my torn grey boots and that grey jumper again and 9am saw me jogging down the back path, up the hill and then left towards the park.
I haven't looked at the sun so directly for ages. I tend to forget in my comings and goings. Today I am pleased to smile at the morning.  Smile at the possibilities ahead. I lean on the back of a bench facing east and, before the mayhem of Christmas and the work of promoting my book begins, appreciate the dawn of this day.

It has been well over a week since the initial excitement of the book. I recieved a couple more copies so was able to give one away and put one on the book shelf. That wave of excitement did come back to me, I have to say. When  I saw the spine of my book tucked there, neatly between I play the drums in a band called okay, by Toby Litt and Numerlogy, by Harish Johari.  Numerology makes me think of an old friend, Reggie. We used to have long conversations about life, spirituality, poetry. He bought a tiger's eye necklace from me once. When I said 'no' to a relationship with him he gave me such a harsh cursing. He was so mean.

Top Tips for Raising Today's Teens

It's done diary. The book is here! I waited a few days before I submitted a post as it would of been a complete gush!! The book came on Friday 30th November, a date that will be imprinted in my brain.
I had already begun my weekly trek across London, when my son sent me a WhatsApp message.
"It's here mum," he said. "I'm sorry I opened it, but I knew what it was!" And a picture of my first book! I jumped up and down in Charing Cross Station and if I could, I would have turned back and gone home so I could see it now. For myself.
Instead I bought a flower covered journal from Funky Pigeon and a few minutes later sat on the tube and wrote thanks to Mother Father Universe, Jesus, the Divine ones. My ancestors, my parents, my sons and everyone who contributed to the book's creation.
I had begun to feel my molecules changing from several days ago. When AuthorHouse first informed me the book was on Amazon I skipped and jumped between my sons: Both of them, taller than me  looking down on their excited mum.

Top Tips for Raising Today's Teens

I am close to my first book being published and I am tremendously excited!! Part of me feels like I am no longer going to have time to write, what with all the marketing and promoting I need to do, but that is part and parcel of being self published I suppose. I went with AUTHORHOUSE who assure me the book will be ready to buy on line from the 7th December! But what I can't wait for is to get my complimentary copies through the post and in my hand! I think my molecules will change when I finally fulfil such a long awaited desire.

The Verge

It's that piece of ground in between. Where you stand back and view the clogged and winding path of which you've just emerged. With just enough room to swing your arms around, skirt flaring, a flower in your mouth.The weight has left your shoulder.
One hand holds the summer hat it was inappropriate to wear until now. Pink dust catches it's way up your legs and you like it.
The verge is where a flower is milliseconds away from bursting into form, or closed leaves gently carve joint heads above soil.  It's the place where a wish is about to be granted. Even greater when its one you loved enough to give yourself. The skirt twirls some more.

It dazzles in the distance. In front there are leaves of orange, deep red and lime green scattered along a path. Your dream is right there, in this moment. You've battled self-doubt, fall outs, conversations, the schools, the colleges, the teachers. The doing without, the inspiration, the clarity, the making up, the Higher Self, the meditation, the manifestation. There's a contended sound of water that you know is translucent though you have yet to see it. The bird's song is to welcome you home.

I didn't know I would have a dance off in my head when this was done. I've had a great career, but I haven't ever achieved a thirty year old ambition.   As a young child I wanted to be an astronaut, then an archaeologist, then a doctor. Then I met Enid Blyton -and still wanted to be those things, but now I wanted to write books. For a short while I ambitioned as a secretary (that lasted for about two weeks!) But there was always the books. Once I left home it was a psychologist, a writer or a College Lecturer. I became a College Lecturer.

And that's why the verge is such a delightful place- because am on it, about to fulfil an ambition I have held since way back when. It's not the short stories or the novels yet, but I have always been a commentator and an observer even while being a teacher. And even if I have left teaching as a nine to five, through  this book not only am I teaching, but I also get to formalise what my students and other young people say about their lives and what works for them. It's my way of acknowledging and taking on board what they say. Because we do think they are valuable and worthy and lovely. My book is a way to show them that. 

I self-published because I wanted it out there asap. It's been a year since the idea changed from being a packet of information cards to a book, and as such, Top Tips for Raising Today's Teens will be my first book- and clearly I am excited!!

There is more work to do of course: Get the front cover complete, structure the courses that are attached to the book and once I get a cover I like it will be about letting schools, parents and organisations aware of its imminent release.

But for now I am happy to stand in the verge, twirling my skirt and eating flowers!

Empress

Of course I love walking around Africa and being hailed as Empress, Princess and Goddess. It does wonders for the self esteem and of course I felt at home amoungst those words, who wouldn't? I was on my own in Ghana and subject to the nuances of the people and that was fine, and I totally get that one of the characteristics of these countrymen is that once they take a shine to you, you almost have to prize yourself away. Speaking of a person I had a drink with the previous night my new friend Rasta said: "Once he sees you with me he will leave you alone." -Yea, thanks Rasta.

The nuances of Language

I love the fact that language is pragmatic. That I can say “gosh, is the window open?” and the person would know that I’m cold and offer to close it.  Or the fact that when you want to end a conversation, especially with a stranger- you can say, “Nice talking to you, see you around,” and we both know to say our goodbyes.  

Sometimes I think it’s the people who read a lot are the ones who understand the nuances of language. Or maybe just those with common sense. Or perhaps it’s the fact that we have been raised in the stiff upper lip culture of not saying what we really mean that makes us so adept at distorting and playing around with meaning.

Touch Down- Ghana 2012

Wednesday 28th March 2012

Following a great first visit in 2010, I decided I was coming back to Ghana! That was six weeks ago. Now, here I am at the airport, wheelie sack and mini sack in tow. The path ahead is lined with Ghanaians holding up signs with various names: John, Emily, Mr Watson... I look for my name- or the name of the Guest House that said they would collect me. It's air conditioned in here, so all is well so far. I squint my eyes and look across the row of names. No ‘Martha.’ No ‘Big Millie’s Back Yard.’ I open my eyes wider, still No Martha on a paper sign being held up by smiling hands. Nothing

OK, plan B-Bun Big frigging Millie. I would go to the place I originally planned to stay. Yes. That’s what I would do. I move towards the exit but before I get to the doors I’m approached by big blue trousers and a white shirt.

Do you need a cab? I look at him. It looks like a uniform. He has an ID tag hanging round his neck.

-Yes I tell him, I do.

OK, let me help you. I let him take the heavier ruck sack and am left with the smaller one and my handbag which is  across my body.

-Do you know Aplaku Guest House?
 No, you have the address?

-Err. No. The internet. I’ll go get it from the internet.

Pain and Struggle

Alas, I still have a day job. And it is what I will do until that blessed day when writing can pay my bills.

So there I was in my day job, just yesterday. In a secondary school in London supporting students with their Literacy and Personal development.
 For this particular session a rap artist was invited in as part of a music project. I forget his name, but he really was rather good! Said he recognised me from Battersea, as he was raised there, as was I. So there he was doing his conscious rap thing and the students were indeed inspired and engaged.

As one door closes, the fridge door opens

It really didn't dawn on me- the real reason my figure has remained as is for the last twenty years. I thought it was just my good fortune that while all about me were starting to look their age, I have stayed slim, quite slim and extremely slim!
A lady I used to teach some ten years ago was in my house the other day- after us bumping into each other after almost four years. "I've never forgotten you," she said. I smile. Nor I her. She was part of my best teaching group ever. After her class, teaching just went down hill for me. I have never forgotten any one of that class and am glad to say I am still in touch with a few of them.
        "I wondered what you look like now," she continued. "If you'd put on wieght."
        "Oh no," I say. "This is me." And I admire myself in a way I only do when my clothes are on.

The Lawrences

All I can do is send love and light to the family of Stephen Lawrence. I am  overwhelmed with compassion when I see them  speaking on TV.  Especially with  Mr  Lawrence. He is so softly spoken. He's so composed  and hurt and humble.

I received an email that said 96 boys have been murdered since Steven. I hope it isn't true. Then imagine another eighteen years of fighting for justice on top of that.  It's a long time. I have a child of  seventeen.  There's a generation of boys who have been raised with a backdrop of Steven Lawrence conversations. We would tell our sons, "be careful," while  warning that there'd be noone to pay if they weren't.

A day without roll-ups

Today has been the first time in a long time I have deliberately not brought tobacco!! A whole complete day! I did have a few yearnings and must say I was on the brink of going to the shop, especially when my friend was going on about something to smoke. On the verge I was! Then I thought, "no, that's your craving not mine. Am gonna stay with myself and see what I come up with." And that's what I did. 2nd January and no Amber Leaf roll ups! Who woulda thought!

I'd love to see what my skin would look like with no tobacco. I would love to see how far I could run, how far I could swim! And if the world is coming to an end and there's gonna be all this mad apocalypse stuff, a girl needs lung capacity.  I'm not saying I've stopped, as I haven't. But I'm most certainly going to cut down and begin with more of a balance between tobacco days , and non tobacco days like I used to. The days when I didn't have to be sucking on cigarette paper in order to get through the day.  Well I'm going to see if I can revert to some of that!! Just to see what it feels like.

Another year

Happy New Year to all of us. I hope this is a year of love health and prosperity:For our dreams to come true in all areas of our lives.
2011 was a good year for me. I have been happier than in a long while and accredit that feeling to the laying down of old baggage and stepping into my Higher Self - a much better place to live ones life!

Each year suggests a new start for me, but this year is not about new beginnings. I am not going to start any new projects until I experience successful completion of the ones before!!

2012 is about seeing what I can complete out of a firm belief in my abilities.

In terms of my writing, there is a non fiction work that I started more than a few years ago. It has been revitalised and is now going to come out in the form of a book. The first month of this year is dedicated to COMPLETING that and self publishing in early spring.

As is evident by the amount of posts I put up last year, I should not make any promises about the amount of blogging I will do this year, suffice to say I now have consistent internet in my home- so we shall see! I will send off a piece of creative non fiction somewhere!!

I aim to see the end of 2012 with a wide grin, pleased and happy with my achievements of the year- then I may be ready to start something new. I have twelve months to play with, as do we all. So happy playing in 2012!! And good luck to all of us :-)